3 months on T (+ 3 month check up)

It has been ages since I've written a new blog post (well, three months to be precise), and I figured today would be a good day to do so. I know I technically said I'd update every month... but I'm a lazy fucker, lol. (I DID however, make a photo and voice recording every month, so eventually I'll be able to make a neat month-to-month transition timeline)

Anyway, right now I'm three months (and two days) on T, and the changes are coming along way better than I expected or even hoped in the beginning. Talking about changes, shots, experiences... I'll get into that right now!

First of all, my shot adventure *drummroll*

I let my GP do my second shot, and did my third shot myself with the GP present. Both times went just PER-FECT. No hitch, no issues, nothing. Not even a bit of pain.
I felt so proud I did it so well and felt it was no big deal whatsoever. I was even kinda excited to do my fourth shot, entirely on my own this time.
However, I forgot how to get all the hormones to the bottom of the vial (often a bubble forms in the top part of the vial (I use a single-dose vial, like one of these).

In attempt to get everything out, I flicked the top part with my finger, like you do with your syringe to get the bubbles out. Big mistake...! (I know you have to 'fling' the vial a bit now) It didn't work at all... and the vial just went: "SNAP!" and flew all the way through my room.
I just kinda freaked out when this happened, cause, doh... all my hormones! I don't want to lose even a bit of my aaah-maah-zing hormones, YO!
When I checked, I just lost 0,1 ml (still 10 friggin %...), and figured it was good enough to do my shot anyway, rather than get a new vial and waste the entire rest of the one I had just opened. I was kinda shaky now, because of what just happened, but my shot went fine for the rest of it.
My fifth shot I figured out how to get the bubble out correctly, and I prepared my syringe without a single hitch, but when I actually stuck the needle in my leg... I guess I must have been too tense, or maybe hit a nerve or something... since my leg muscle just TWITCHED suddenly. Like a spasm.
It really didn't feel good, but the needle was already in my leg, and I really didn't feel like aborting my shot in the midst of it, so I just finished it up, though again kinda shaky, and feeling like: "I want this needle OUT OF MY LEG RIGHT NOW!" in the rush, I even forgot the last bit (again lost 0,1 ml. OHNUU), and afterwards my leg hurt like crazy.
I thought I was ready for my sixth shot though, because even though I was pretty nervous this time, I now knew EXACTLY what to do and how to do it. Previous two times I thought "Ah easy man, I got this" and might have rushed on some bits, resulting in some mistakes. But even though I was now even better prepared than ever... I just couldn't do it anymore. I was just... stuck.
I sat there for about half an hour with my syringe all prepped and ready right above my leg. I tried counting, music, relaxation techniques, but nothing helped. Whenever I was about to actually DO my shot, my entire brain just went "NONONONONONONONO!!!" and I simply couldn't get myself to do it.
In a hurry I went to the GP, prepped syringe in hand (like a druggie, yo!), and she just really quickly did it for me.
For my seventh shot I again made an appointment with the GP, "just in case", and my thought was I'd probably be totally ok about it again when someone knowledgeable would sit next to me, and I'd just do that one or two times, and then go back to doing it myself. But this time AGAIN... anxiety hit me, and I couldn't get myself to do it, even with her next to me. I just felt my stomach clench up at the thought of sticking that needle into myself, whereas the first three times I felt ZERO fear whatsoever.
I think this is both because the first few times I was just TOO excited that I was getting hormones to even feel the fear, and because of those two times (especially the last) it went a bit wobbly.
I now agreed with my GP that she will do it three more times, and I should just let it go alltogether for that time. Not think about doing it myself at all. And hopefully disconnect that feeling of anxiety from getting my shot that way, and be able to do it myself again. Because you have to take sustanon (the 'brand' of T I use) every two weeks I really want to be able to do my own shots again... since going to the GP on a weekday every 2 weeks is really... quite a nuisance in my schedule.

So yeah, that's what happened with each shot (yeah I know, so exciting, lol. But I just try to share as much of my personal experiences. If you aren't interested, just scan over it or don't read it at all)
Now on to the more exciting part... the changes!

Week 1-4: 
Not much of a change at all. Just mainly feeling more at ease and more confident. Like a giant weight just fell off my shoulders. But that's not the effect of the T itself. My shark week stopped INSTANTLY from the start of T. I got some cramps in my lower abdomen sometimes AS IF I were getting shark week... but not a single drop.
Voice: 1 week on T/pre-T
           4 weeks on T (first noticeable change!)


Week 4-1 month:
First moment my voice started changing noticeably for me. The first drop happened quite sudden, and from there on it kept on dropping more gradual (at least in my own experience). Some increase in libido and downstairs growth. I also started getting sudden muscle cramps around 3-6 weeks on T. Like, I would just have to tense my muscles a bit, and they would just clench up suddenly. This went away after a month or so.
 Voice: 1 month on T


2 months:
Voice dropped even more and becomes less 'cracky' and unstable. Feel like I'm getting a bit stronger and having better stamina. (But then another day I'm still wheezing and huffing exhausted like ever. So I dunno if that's even really happening) Very slight increase in hair growth (but only very slightly). Skin getting rougher and oilier. I find it super awkward to show my ID right now, since it's not yet changed (even more awkward than before), since people generally see me as a guy now, and are pretty taken aback when they see my ID. I just want to yell at them "YOU GOT IT RIGHT! Don't look at that shit! That aint correct! I'm a guy! Don't think I'm some chainsmoking uber manly butch lesbian who will break your balls or something, please."
 Voice: 2 months on T

3 months:
I didn't hear much difference in my voice this time, so maybe it's settled for the time being already (but wow... that would be really quick!), but it sounds fully masculine, so that's just AWESOME! My skin, especially on my forehead, is pretty itchy and flaky sometimes now. I also notice I can get frustrated/annoyed a bit more easily. Not really like >ANGRY< but this "Urgh... grrr!" feeling. Especially when I'm under pressure I can get quite prickly sometimes. And I just pass almost ALL the time now! Just, wow... I never expected that to happen so soon. People who I just meet recently actually tell me "If I wouldn't have known, there's no way I would have suspected it". The only thing is that people generally age me around 16 to 18, while I am actually 20. When I tell people I'm 20, I sometimes get looks of surprise, but a joke like "Yeah, I know I have a babyface. I'm just FOREVER YOUNG baby!" usually takes the awkwardness out of the situation.
I don't even feel like my face and body changed that much, but my psych at the VU told me she saw clear differences, and that while I was andro/ambigious at first, I totally read as a guy to her now. It's really funny and kinda amazing how SUCH tiny changes in one's appearance can change the way we perceive someone.
Voice: 3 months on T

Below, a small "timeline" of my face. Forgive my kinda grumpy expression, this is just my resting bitchface. I was simply trying to have as little expression on my face as possible, to make comparison easier.
I tried to take the photo in the same way, same lightning, etc. each time, but yeah, that's trickier than it sounds. Anyway, I will keep up with this timeline over the following months to document my face changes.

And now... on to the last bit of this rather giganormous blog update (I have something to make up for after three months of silence, eh?)... the 3 month check up

 So, first I had to get an ultrasound taken from my biological organs, just to be sure everything is OK inside me.
I was really nervous about this, as well, doh, I would have to go the the gynaecology waiting room and all, share it with mainly pregnant women, to have my friggin UTERUS checked. A thing which I'm not even supposed to have.
As I walked towards the waiting room, some doors of the doctor's rooms where open, and through them I saw things that appeared like torture devices to me. Like... these awkward "special" chairs to put your feet in, metal tools to check inside someone's... well... you get where this is going.
I indeed shared it with mostly pregnant women, and had to wait fifteen minutes longer than expected. This was really an awkward and rather nerve-wrecking moment. But the doctor called me with "Mr Kohler", and was really chill about everything (apparently she knew she was going to see a trans patient, since she didn't even give me a weird look or anything, which really helped).
She was pretty relaxed and used the correct pronouns and everything, even though she was discussing reproductive organs most commonly seen in women, and because of this the ultrasound itself wasn't half as bad as I expected it to be. Only thing I regret right now is not taking a quick picture with my phone of the prints of the ultrasound she gave me. I mean... it might be my uterus, but it's also still MY uterus (for the time being) and this might be the first and last time I ever get to see it. And besides that, having a picture of your insides is just... plain cool! (or is that just me?)

After the ultrasound I went upstairs for the endo check up. I had to wait quite a long time. She just repeated the same measurements and tests as she did the first time, (blood pressure, strength, weight, circumference of several areas on my body) and asked me a couple questions on how I was doing, what changes I was experiencing etc.
It appears my entire body shape is gradually changing to a more masculine form (yay!). I didn't even notice the shape of my body itself was changing already, but it simply happens so gradually you don't really notice much... until you look back later. One downside was that apparently I put on 7 kg of weight. Some of that might be muscle, but I doubt all of it is... I hope this won't continue down the wrong direction (Idunwannabefat! :c).

After that, I had to fill in some more questionnaires (if you're just starting your trajectory at the VUMC... get used to them bro (or sis)), had a talk with my psych and had to get some blood drawn.
Not very interesting or anything. It took way longer than I expected though. I hoped to be back home 'round 1 or 2, but it got way later...
Well, at least I'll just have to go on check ups every 3 months now, rather than every month, and next time will just be a talk with the endo and my psych, rather than all the tests and such.

On a side note, I also got my birth certificate changed today. WHOOP! I hope I'll get my new ID somewhere next week or so. I can't wait!  

Well, that's it for now. I hope you at least slightly enjoyed to read my ramblings. If you have any questions or comments, feel free to contact me. Or if you feel like my blog would help someone (another transperson, perhaps? Or someone having a transperson in their lives, seeking to understand what we go through better), feel free to share it with them.

Endo appointment and FIRST T SHOT!

AAAAWH YEAAAH BITCHES! It is finally real. I AM ON T! As of today.
I feel so psyched about it! I can't even believe I am actually on T already. Somebody, slap me. Is this a dream or something?
I'm sure the excitement will wear off after a few days, lol, but right now I just feel GREAT! My second puberty is beginning... RIGHT NOW.

Anyway, I'll tell you what happened today. I was at the VU for quite a while because of all the insane queues. I think I waited at the apothecary with my receipt for like 45 minutes or so!

At first I got a lot of questionnaires, not such a big deal. Though some questions were tricky, I just try not to over-think them, and answer whatever first comes to mind.
After that the endo picked me up from the waiting room, she and a guy talked me through some more info on hormones, asked me which type I wanted, and measured my blood pressure. After that one of them took my measurements (around my waist, hips, chest and shoulders I think. I haven't exactly paid that much attention). I had to take off my binder, which kinda sucked, but my psych warned me for this. I was already glad I could keep my underwear on, and it was over pretty quickly.
They gave me a whole bunch of forms to drop off at the reception, my receipt for the T, and a paper for a blood examination.
First I went to the blood post, waited for about 20 minutes, and got like six tubes of blood drawn. I thought it might hurt... but I felt practically nothing, lol. Pretty weird to see quite some blood come out of your arm, while it hurts less than a needleprick. (Everyone who is scared about it, don't be. If you'd close your eyes you wouldn't even know when the needle is in)
After that I went down to the apothecary to "quickly" pick up my T. At least, that's what I thought, HAH! Jesus! The line was enormous, lol. I don't know exactly for how long I waited, but it felt like hours. (though I guess 45 mins is more accurate, haha)
Once I got that long desired package, I went back to the genderteam and one of the people injected it for me right there. I can't say I wasn't nervous, lol. Just the thought of FINALLY getting T, and also getting quite a big needle shoved into my leg. But though it hurt more than my blood getting drawn (and also feels a bit sore after, but nothing bad), I was quite pleasantly surprised that it wasn't that bad at all. Quite anti-climactic actually, haha. Like "Was that it!?"

I have been in a pretty damn awesome mood for the rest of the day, but I'm SURE that's just a placebo effect, hahaha. Though the temptation exists to check if my beard is already growing, I know it doesn't work that way, lol, so all I can do now is just take my shots every 2 weeks, sit back... and let the T do it's job!
Curious when I'll start to notice changes (physical or emotional), think that'll take a couple months... but if something memorable happens in one month I'll sure make another blog post. Promise! ;)
It still feels surreal... somehow I still feel like tomorrow I'll wake up and discover it all was nothing but a very nice dream, or they just injected me with water or something, LOL. But it's real... it definitely is very real!

Have a great day everybody! :) (Have an A1-day!)

Green light and DEXA scan

Sooo folks... I'm back!
I know I haven't written for a long time. That's because there was a three-month gap in my VU visits, and also because I've been pretty busy with school (and being a totally crazy Breaking Bad fan... ok, ok, sorry, I'll try to stop about that show. But just sayin'... if you want to talk about it with me, I'm ALWAYS up for a BrBa discussion! :P). Had some hard moments, but I'm very glad to say I PASSED this school year!

Anyway, I just got my Green Light this monday! I'm so happy and relieved. Even though I never really doubted they'd let me through... it still takes a big weight of my shoulders. I'm through. I don't need to explain myself or "prove" that I am who I am to anyone anymore.
My psych said it was pretty damn clear with me, and they let me through without any doubt. Yeah, thanks for acknowledging what I already knew! Lol.
At first she couldn't give me a date for the endo appointment, and said I'd have to wait till I would get a call... which could be within a week, or a month, or more. She didn't know. But eventually she put on her nicest face, and asked the receptionist whether they could set me up for an appointment already. (I didn't even ask her to do that! So nice!) They agreed, and now thanks to my awesome psych I can already go to the endo at the 27th of June, and have already had the DEXA bone scan yesterday. (yeah, they really check everything, lol)
I almost feel like I don't deserve all this luck. Because, Jesus... I've had some!

The bone scan was done pretty quickly. Just like... 15 minutes or so. I felt pretty odd, lying under a scanner like that. Just the thought they were sending x-rays all the way through my body and could see my... insides, without me feeling a thing. I know how it works, and I've had x-ray scans of just my back area when I was younger, because my spine is a bit... odd, lol. But still, it amazes me. We can fucking see through people with machines, but not stop a war!? Humanity is weird...
I wonder if I can get a printed image of my own skeleton if I'd ask...! Is that a weird thing to want? I'm just curious what I look like on the inside, haha.
If I'd ever get a brain scan I sure know I'd want an image of my brain too. I mean, seriously, isn't that just cool? How often do you get that chance!? (okay, and a bit creepy, I admit)

I can hardly believe I will probably already get T the 27th of June! (my psych said there was a chance I'd need another appointment, and actually seemed to imply that is a common thing, but so far everyone else I spoke to said they got the hormones right on that day, so now I'm not sure what to believe anymore)
I'm so happy and excited, and I admit, also a bit nervous. I never had myself be tested medically like this before, and I never really liked visiting a doctor, so it's all very new for me. But my desire to be at peace with my body and become myself is greater than the anxiety I have for doctors, calling, operations... all of it.

And last monday, I just got one more step closer to that goal!

Fifth and sixth VU talk. LAST DIAGNOSTIC TALK! Whoop! :D

Yes, yes, I know I'm a slacker. I'm sorry folks. I just feel too busy, lazy and not motivated enough to write lately, but since I just had my LAST talk I feel like I HAVE to.
I will also shortly go over the fifth talk in this post.

Fifth talk
This was the talk after the psychological test. My psych discussed the results with me, which weren't very exciting. Basically she said I am mentally healthy, not delusional, and most likely don't have ADHD or autism (unlike what I expected).
Of course this is just a basic and rather short test and cannot signify as an actual diagnosis or 'proof', but they didn't feel like they had to investigate it 
Basically the only thing which came out was that I clearly have gender dysphoria and feel bad about the female attributes of my body. (wow, no shit!)
Appearantly some people were asked to draw some things, and my psych was rather disappointed they didn't ask me, out if all people, since I'm in art academy. I also thought that was quite a shame, as it would have been fun, haha.
For the rest we discussed the last bit of my life story, and I felt like she really understood me and what went through me throughout my life.
I left with a positive feeling, and the more time progresses, the happier I am with the psych switch which happened earlier.

Sixth talk
I knew we would be discussing 'sexuality' this time (whoo-hoo), which also went rather well. I will not share everything we discussed because that would be awkward and weird, but it wasn't as bad as I expected. We also went into a bit more depth on my current wishes regarding operations (a bit early, since the first one will take more than a year from starting T, but I get they want to have an indication early on), and if I have a child wish and if I would want a biological kid. (yeah, of course. But going through pregnancy or egg cell harvest isn't worth it for me)
She said I was well informed and had done good research and thought over everything very well, which she saw as a positive thing.
Then after this she closed her notebook and said we had discussed everything and wanted to wrap it up and scedule me for being discussed with the team. I was pleasantly surprised by this, as I expected there to be one more talk.
Sadly the news if I have green light or not will have to wait till 8th of June. At that same day I have my next appointment with my psych, and then she will personally deliver me the news and plan an appointment with the endocrinologist.
She couldn't tell me how long it would take till I would get T, though she claimed it would be highly unlikely to get it right after the endo appointment, and said the first appointment was just a basic intake and there would be more tests after.
I was kinda dissappointed by this, but other trangsuys I spoke with said they got T right after the first appointment, before the blood tests and DEXA scan. I really hope this will be the case with me as well, as otherwise I fear it might take many more months... (and you might say that's easy, but it's even harder to wait when you are SO close!)

But yeah, nevertheless, pretty exciting news! I'm getting closer and closer... it almost feels surreal. I definitely know it will feel surreal when I get my first shot.

Fifth VU visit (fourth talk) and the Pychological test

Hey guys (and gals. Not forgetting you, hey!). First of all, sorry for not keeping up with my updates well. It has just been rather busy, and I kept lacking the motivation to write, so now I'll also go over the fifth visit/fourth talk in this post, even though that was about half a month ago.

Also a small update: I came out to all my remaining family members (for those who didn't know yet), and all of them responded very well. I never expected my family to be SO supportive. Sure, I thought they'd be 'fine' with it, but possibly also a bit taken aback or bewildered. The contrary was true. Quite some of my family members already knew much more about transgenderism than I anticipated, and all of them right away tried to call me Erik and him (though often failing, but this is more than I could ever hope for!), and I even got a shaving razor (can't get 'em soon enough, eh? :P) and a juice and tea glass with my name (the right one!) on it!
All this time I was afraid of rejection... but actually all I got was even more support than ever. Wow. 

Fourth talk
This time the talk was mostly with my parents. They really want to speak to either a parent, sibling, or really close friend (from when you were still young) to figure out better what kind of person you were as a kid, and -presumably, even though they don't say it- to double check your own story.
I brought both my parentss with me, as they are both supportive and I felt like it would be a bad thing to 'choose sides'.
My mom was a bit hazy, as usual, and kept dragging in irrelevant details, also as usual. But she did show her support, and even though she was annoyed by my dad (rightfully) interrupting her (if not we'd still be talking NOW), I think this was better than leaving her behind in the waiting room. My dad did most of the talking, as my mom is VERY bad in coming to the point of things she wants to tell.
They backed up my story at several points, even though I hadn't told them what I told my psych. Good, that means my memory isn't playing tricks on me or something, haha. They also showed their support and understanding, which I am very grateful of.
In the end, I think it went well, and they left a good impression on my psych as a supportive family (which they are).
I also notice my parents, especially my dad, becoming more understanding. My mom still finds it difficult to let go of the image she has in her mind of her 'daughter', but I clearly see she's trying and willing to change, so I think that'll be fine too eventually.

It's also weird to imagine this is just the second talk with my 'new' psych, but I feel like I've had her for ages, and we discussed a whole lot already as compared to my previous psych. Even though I might get a month delay due to all of this, I am VERY glad I decided to swap.

Psychological test
And now the part which happened today: the test! 
This test was taken by another person, and not my regular psych, and consisted of nothing more than a WHOLE LOT of questionnaires with questions ranging from deeply serious to... well... plain crazy.
Let me list a few... just for the lols.

• "Do you think other people can influence your mind and thoughts?" Think this one has been asked about a thousand (ok, I'm exaggerating) times just in different ways. Just HOW sure do they want to know I DO NOT think other people can influence, read, change, channel, whatever, my thoughts? Lol
• "Do you think all of humanity is plotting against you?"  YE-... I mean NO! I wouldn't tell you that sssstupid humansssesss, cause you're in the plot too! (To steal my preciousss)
• "Do you believe you have magical powers?" Does WISHING you have them count? (or acting you do in a roleplay situation? :P)
• "Did you ever force someone to have sexual activity with you?" Uh what... and I would really tell you that if I were a sexual molester? Are they seriously THAT dumb? Next question "Did you murder someone?" xd

Lots of questions about fears, anxieties, self harm, depression, yadda yadda yadda. The usual stuff. Also lot's of logical questions like "When you felt depressed, did it intervene with your ability to enjoy life, hobbies and social interaction?" (DOH, of course) And "Did you dream in the last 12 months?" Is there anyone who DOES NOT dream for an entire 12 months? Anyone? Raise hands please!
But yeah, actually it was rather funny at some points, and I even had a laugh with the guy taking the tests a couple times about how silly some questions were. Basically the only ones I could answer positively to were the questionnaires regarding gender, and I presume one that was about autism? I definitely couldn't tick all of the boxes there, and mostly was more in the middle, but I suppose that one will tell I MIGHT have a mild form of autism. Well, I already knew that. I don't care whether I do or not, as it doesn't hinder me in my daily life. One extra label won't make me a happier person.
In fact, I have been tested for autism, and when that showed I had/might have a mild form of Aspergers I actually starting behaving MORE autistically to subconsciously 'fit the label'. So no, it won't help me.

It's weird to imagine my next visit to the VU will already be in a week. Wait... WHAT? A WEEK? Holy cow! :') I didn't even realise it was THAT close already.

I had to move the sixth talk a week due a trip to Berlin, and I was pretty torn up about that at first, as it MIGHT be my last talk. But given the fact that would just be the fourth talk with my current psych I give it VERY low chances for it being the last. I currently have my last talk planned May the 7th, and I hope after that I can soon get green light and hormones. I have heard the wait can vary from 1 month to 4 months (in extreme cases) though. I hope I won't need to wait that long and can get T (=Testo) by summer... but we'll see. You never know with the VU...

Fourth VU visit, and general update

Some of you might have wondered what too me so long this time. Since it is more than a month ago since my last VU-update (and most of you probably didn't even notice...)

So first of all, an update on what happened at the beginning of the new year for those who don't follow me on Facebook.
Well, summarized: at first all my teachers at school fell ill and all the tests were moved to the same day I had to go to the VU, second, my psych fell ill, appointment cancelled and postponed three weeks, and third, I found out my insurance wouldn't cover all of my transition because I had a wrong type. Especially the last issue really made me freak out big time, so badly I hardly slept one night. Long story short: because I was insanely lucky I could still get my insurance changed, but a little bit less luck... and my transition this year would have been history, or at least would have made me VERY poor.
I'm so glad all is solved though.

Three weeks passed, and here I am. My fourth visit!
Because my psych fell ill I was assigned to a new one, so I didn't know my psych this time, and was also kinda worried she'd want to redo everything.
Glady she turned out to be a very nice woman, and though she said the switch might cause a little bit of a delay, she reassured me she wouldn't start entirely over and would try to build onto what my previous psych did as much as possible. In fact, I even like her better than my previous psych, and she seemed rather slow sometimes, and at times appeared to have forgotten what she should say. I felt like my new psych is a lot more organised and efficient, and she asks me a lot more questions.

This time I felt like we actually discussed SOMETHING for the first time! We went through my life story and we spoke about certain things I had written down in regards of my general growth and life, but also gender and how I related to that. Whereas last time we had just discussed a bit about my parents, which could have been much more if my (old) psych didn't so many more than a minute long breaks in her talking.
We didn't manage to discuss my entire life story yet, but most of it at least, and I felt that she really understood the things I went through (also not only on the subject of gender) quite well. Some bits where difficult to explain, or exhausting, but at least I feel like we GOT somewhere this time!

Next talk will also be together with my parents. I am a bit anxious about it, but I'm pretty sure it will be fine. They are accepting of me and I have a good relationship with them.
Then (that same day) me and my psych will also finish discussing the rest of my life story, after that she said we'll discuss sexuality, child wish, etc. in depth (that's going to be reaaaally awkward xd but I understand it is necassery), and then... psychological test, and hopefully the last talk.
Only time can tell. 

Holiday Contemplations

Hello everybody,
I have just been on wintersport for a week in France. Nothing beats the feeling of sun, snow, and speed in the mountains, and I truly enjoyed it very much, but there also was a dark side to it all.
I went together with an old friend (who knows, and accepts all of this), and her parents (who don't know).
I wanted to tell them (her parents) as soon as possible, but I chickened out (not the first time). And besides, even if they had known they definitely wouldn't have started to address me as a guy right away, especially since I know them since I'm a little kid...
So yeah, bottom line is, I had to deal with -fully- being a girl again for a week. I can sort of deal with my birthname and "she", as that is simply how they know me. If I had introduced myself as "Jabberjocker Turdbottom" they'd call me that, and in LARP I always play a role and get called another name than my real name, I can handle that in a factual "they don't know me differently" manner. The REAL hard part comes when they reffer to me and my friend as "ladies", or say stuff as "Yeah, but that's because you are a girl." or "Yeah, that's a typical girl thing!" etc.
My friend's mom also wanted me to shower each day, which is kinda understandable, since skiing all day makes you sweat and smell like crazy, but having to confront myself with my naked body every single day is quite difficult.

However, from start I decided I wouldn't make any sacrificies regarding my masculine appearance. I initially skied with my old mom's skiing pants, which were fine last year, but now they made me feel VERY uncomfortable. Gladly my friend's mom had an extra pair of straight-fit skiing pants with her which I could wear (I told her my mom's pants were too tight and uncomfortable), which made me feel MUCH better.
I also tried very much to postpone toilet visits till our appartement or don't go together with the others, so I could go to the men's loo. This worked almost all the time, and I just went to the men's all the time except twice, when I basically couldn't get around it.
Actually this whole 'being a "girl" for a week again' also gave me valuable insights, as even though I feel so much more mentally at PEACE now, I couldn't help but wonder whether it was 'just' because I had gotten more confident and am now following my passion and all (art academy). This week I experienced extreme unease when confronted with my biological sex, and felt less awkward and stared-at in the men's than the women's toilets (though it probably is about even, as I am not being yelled at or called out in either toilet, but receive a few stares/glances... in either toilet), I just felt even more clearly that transition is the right thing to do, and I just cannot "go back" to being a "normal girl".
I also realized HOW MUCH my parents have already progressed, and how accepted I feel by them compared to others. 

It also wasn't all dysphoria and negativity. In general I had a very nice holiday with lots of fun times to look back upon with a smile (my old friend also changed my name in her phone to Erik and doesn't reffer to me as a 'lady' or a 'girl' anymore!), and for me nothing beats the feeling of soaring down white mountains, wind in my hair, sun on my face, adrenaline in my veins.
To me, skiing is almost like meditation, like a zen state of mind. When I ski I am completely at peace. I feel no fear, I feel no anger, I feel no sadness. A serene pool of calmth and focus.There is no past, there is no future, just the NOW.

And all that remains is me, and the mountain.