The Dysphoria Beast

Today I am going to talk about the mortal enemy of each and every transperson, FtM and MtF alike, Dysphoria.

Dysphoria is just a word to describe the feeling we get when we are confronted with our birth sex. Basically you have two types of dysphoria: body dysphoria, the feeling we have for our bodies, and social dysphoria, the feeling we have for our social role. Most transpeople experience both types, but sometimes one more or less than the other or more/less in different situations.
When I am reading a book or playing a game I do not have much noticable body or social dysphoria, because I am not being confronted with my birth sex in any way. However, when I am outside and I am referred to as female, I am 'reminded' to the fact that my outside does not match my inside and I will start to feel bad. When I take a bath or shower and catch a glimpse of myself I am also reminded of this fact, and will get dysphoric.
There are many situations where transpeople might feel dysphoria, basically EVERY situation which reminds us of our birth sex is a potential trigger.
Also can dysphoria express itself differently, depending on the situation, but it always has two common traits:

1. It's caused by a brain-body gender mismatch
2. It feels utterly terrible

For example, when I think I am passing perfectly as male, and someone refers to me as "miss" or "young lady", I will first get a feeling like I got a blow in the face, very intense spike of bad feelings, and then afterwards I will start checking everything frantically which might have caused them to misgender me. Was it the way I walked? My voice? My clothing? Don't I have a 'male enough vibe'? Is it my face? Is it something I can change? Is everybody seeing me as female or was that person an exception? And so on... I will keep feeling like this for a while, and when no one misgenders me again in an hour or so it will mostly go away, otherwise... the cycle starts again.

Second example, when I am going to visit some friends whom I am not out to or family, etc. I know beforehand I will be misgendered, so it will not feel like a "blow in the face". Also won't I start thinking why they did it, and get all paranoid about how I look, because I know they just have met me as female and know no better. I can look as much like a boy as I want, but unless I meet them with a baritone voice and a full beard chances are they won't say anything in fear of "insulting" me.
However this does not mean I feel no dysphoria, it is simply of a different nature. At such occasions I feel more like being an actor in a play, putting on a mask and acting as if all is fine while it is not.

Body dysphoria, for me, manifests mostly when taking a bath, going to the toilet, being undressed/changing clothes, being around cismen of my age or transmen who are further in their transition and the thought of sexual intimacy.
Taking a bath is worse than taking a pee, and being around cis/trans men makes me feel more like a little kid rather than a female. Also don't I have bottom dysphoria (genital dysphoria) in social situations, because I don't see it, they don't see it, it's not relevant and I can forget about it. That does however not mean I don't ever have bottom dysphoria or body dysphoria in general.

Also when body dysphoria hits me full-strength it tends to be worse than social dysphoria, but the social dysphoria is more prevalent throughout the entire day and thus appears more bothersome. However because social dysphoria is almost always there I can push it away somewhat better, and I only feel extra bad at confrontation-moments, like when I have to go to a public toilet, go clothe-shopping, or  get misgendered. When that situation is gone, the dysphoria fades rather quickly (say in fifteen minutes to an hour, depending on the initial intensity and my mood at the moment)
Body dysphoria, however, is mostly not noticeable for me, because the social dysphoria overshadows it. But when it does break through, there is nothing which can stop it, because even though it might have been induced by a quick action, it applies to something which I carry around all day: my body. So when the trigger is gone, I still feel bad, because I cannot just 'forget' my body is not how it should be.

Every transperson copes differently with the feelings of dysphoria, some cry, some talk, some shut themselves off.
I do the latter option. When I get dysphoric I should actually talk about it with people and tell them how I feel, etc. but what I do is stop interacting, draw myself in, be on my own, evade people, and hope to forget how I feel that way. I know it's not the right way of dealing with it. It makes outsiders even more confused and makes me feel worse, but I don't know how to change it... ignoring and repressing is how I learnt to "deal" with my dysphoria, and now it is taking it's toll on me.

I just wrote this to hopefully clear up for people what dysphoria is and try to make clear how it feels and how devastating it can be to a person, in many ways. It is one of the most terrible feelings I know, along with injustice and... lack of ice cream (hehe), and it's the feeling that causes (most) transpeople to take the step to transition, because only then the dysphoria will go away.
Never to return again.