Coming out. Friends, family, neighbours?

I know it has been quite a long time since I have written a blog entry. I have been pretty busy with school and whatnot and just did not have much time and motivation to write.

Today I want to adress something EVERY transperson (and many non-transpeople for that matter) have to deal with: COMING OUT, and dealing with distant family, friends, and even neighbours. I will tell my own coming out stories so far, and also the difficulties I faced and still face in many coming outs to come. Here we go...

Coming out to...
Yourself
Before you can even TELL someone else, like friends or family, you have to acknowledge it for yourself. Often an underestimated step, as it is not noticable for the outside world, but it is the VERY FIRST step and thus also a very important one. Basically before you can come out to ANYONE, you have to come out to yourself first!

I did this about two years ago from now. At that time I still felt very awkward and even ashamed for my identity. When first taking steps to find out my gender identity I even felt bad when just typing "transgender" into the search field. I deeply did NOT WANT TO BE transgender. I felt like an abomination, a freak, a crazy circus attraction, if I would be trans. But how much I tried, I could not stuff those feelings away. They kept coming back to the surface, every time again.
So I searched. I researched. I thought. I ponderd. I felt. And accepted.
However, after this accepting, lots of time would pass until I felt strong and certain enough to tell my parents and friends...

The first other person
After you come out to yourself, the next step is to come out to someone you trust, a good friend, a parent, a family member... it could be anyone.

I first came out to my niece. She wasn't one of my best friends, nor one of my parents, and I don't even know why I picked her to first tell it to out of my own accord, but I just felt like she would accept it for some reason, and she did. We talked a lot about it, and she became my first supporter. I really needed that "back support" she, and later also her brother and parents, gave me.

Friends
Most of my friends who knew me from "before" know what's going on. Not all of them have fully adapted to it, but no one responded negatively or abandoned me. Some of them have swapped pronouns and name almost instantly (to those friends I'd like so say a loud: THANK YOU!), others have a bit more difficulty seeing me as a guy, but support whatever I'll decide to do. I will soon press them to adress me as a guy too, and just calmly correct them each time they get it wrong.


Not everybody knows though... actually I find it hardest to tell my best or at least longest-time friends, I don't know why... it should be the other way around. My five best high school friends are the only good friends that do not yet know, which makes me feel pretty bad. Maybe I am afraid our friendship won't be the same after they know... or they won't accept it... but I HAVE to tell, because if I won't... our friendship will definitely break. At first I was just afraid to lose them, now I feel that I just don't want to be around them as much anymore, because I constantly feel like "hiding a secret", and "acting", which is a real shame, as they are great people and we shared lots of awesome things together. I don't want to lose them because of this...

Parents
After her and some other friends, I came out to my parents. I had written a letter weeks before, and tried to tell it many days before already, but simply felt jammed. I couldn't say it, I was that scared. (and without reason too, since my parents are really accepting and just want me to be happy. Before I told them I already KNEW for sure they wouldn't hate or disown me)
One day I just said to myself "NOW I AM GOING TO TELL THEM! It's NOW or NEVER! I can't keep pushing it ahead any longer." and I tried again whole day, but couldn't. I have never felt more terrible ever in my life. Until at the end of the day, I just handed them the letter and went upstairs, shaking.
They took it well, like I expected, but we all still felt weird about it. I still felt like I was in the closet, basically. Eventually they eased up a bit. I started writing blogposts again, shared them with my dad, and didn't feel like I had to "hide" my binders and such anymore. We still have a long road ahead of us, as they still truly see me as their "daughter" (I feel like especially my mom finds it hard to let go), but I have the feeling that will also pass in time when everything becomes a bit more "real" for them too, like when I get my psychological tests and talks at the VU and such.
I am not yet going to tell them they HAVE to call me him and Erik, but that time WILL come pretty soon... as the more I start living as a guy, the more I hate being seen as a girl at home, though I also understand it is very difficult for them to just "swap" after 19 years.

New people?
I do not even "come out" to new people anymore. I introduce myself as a guy from start, because that makes ME feel better, and also makes it easier for both me and them when I will transition later. My new classmates and friends don't know me as anything but a guy, BUT... there is a but... since I am pre-T (pre hormones) I still look and sound rather... uhm... feminine. I feel very bad about it, but it's simply the reality. Thanks to this many people suspect something or figure it out anyway, and many of my new friends know I'm trans even though I introduced as a guy from start. I also feel a bit more at ease if they know, as then I don't have to worry about passing, being "man enough", etc. and just be myself. (yeah, I'm just no macho dude. I actually really hate macho guys. They are pretty darn annoying)

Difficulties... neighbours, parties, distant family...
A big difficulty I am hitting nowadays is... those "far away aqaintances" whom you see a few times of the year, have superficial talk with, and don't really want to share personal details of your life with, BUT who thus see you as the wrong sex and constantly misgender you, completely unaware of what's going on.
For me this shows up extra strongly at parties. Collections of people whom I hardly know or care about deeply, and actually don't want to tell such a personal thing... but when I'm there, talking with them, I really feel pretty bad. It's playing a role all over again. Smile n wave, smile n wave, nod, nod.
All these people asking you how life is coming along, and then having to pretend you are totally happy as your birth sex and just smile along... yes... that hurts.
I am not sure how I will go about on telling these people, I think I will just let them live in oblivion until I have the green light for hormones, and then I'll get a bunch of "hurray it's a boy" cards or something (maybe draw them myself? :P) and send them to everybody, explaing my situation. If SOMEONE is still misgendering me at that point I will also play no more "easy games" with them and just ignore them (or misgender THEM back, hah!) when they do so. Though I hope most people stop before that time... as it's still a long while away from now.

Anyway, that was it folks! If any of you have questions, suggestions for upcoming posts, or things you liked/disliked about this one, feel free to tell me in the comment section below, or ask me on facebook through a PM if it's more private.

Cheers,
Erik